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American Born Indian Woman: "My White Fiancee says I am not American"

Posted by Christelyn, 29 Mar

Our question this week comes from a 26-year-old Indian female who has been born and raised in America. She has been dating her White fiancee for three years and are meant to get married in December.

Problem began with the wedding planning when her fiancee asked if they were going to have an American or Indian wedding (or both). When she said American, dude went: "Well I mean, you're Indian. I just thought we were going to also celebrate accordingly." Well, that turned into an argument.

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The fiancee says she is not American. She is even rethinking their wedding.

The Question:

My White fiancee says I am not American, despite being born and raised here. Been together for 3 years- supposed to be getting married in December.

To start off, my family is from India. My parents were born and raised in India. Me, my brother, and my sister were all born here in the US and raised here. I have only visited India once when I was about 10 to meet my extended family and grandparents, and I haven't been back since. I can't even speak a word of Punjabi. I was very grateful that my parents were more integrating than other Indian families I knew growing up. My mother would make traditional Indian food, but she would also mix it up a lot and make mac and cheese or burgers (chicken or imitation beef, though she didn't mind if we bought McDonald outside of the house). My parents encouraged us to join sports and do other extracurricular that would let us bond with the kids who went to our school, rather than just hang out with the Indian kids from other Indian families just because they were Indian. My dad always said that he saw so many people get stuck in their ways because they never ventured out of what was familiar to them.

So fast forward to 3 years ago, I met my fiancée Alan. What I liked about him was that he didn't make it a point that we were this exotic interracial couple. He didn't treat me differently than anyone else. We of course talked about my family and he knew that my parents were from India but that me and my siblings had grown up here. He never said anything that came off ignorant, which was very refreshing considering how every guy I had dated before that had had some weird Indian chick fetish that gradually came out during the relationship.

He proposed 6 months ago.

Until about a month ago, things were going well and we were planning our wedding that we decided to have in December. He asked me if we were going to have an American or Indian wedding (or both) and I replied we were just going to have an American wedding because I really didn't know anything about an Indian one and my family really isn't traditional like that so they weren't fussed. Alan seemed surprised and when I asked why he said "Well I mean, you're Indian. I just thought we were going to also celebrate accordingly."

I asked him jokingly if we were going to have beer steins and if he was going to wear liederhosen at our wedding. He gave me a completely baffled look and said no, and I said "Well it's the same sentiment really. You and I were both raised here, we're both American." to which he said "Yea, but, well, not really. You're Indian-American."

It turned into an argument where I challenged him and asked him why he's not calling himself German-American or Irish-American since that's where his grandparents hail from. He never gave me a solid answer. Everything was vague and a lot of blubbering began to happen the more I asked him why he could be just American but I needed to clarification of a hyphen in there.

We never resolved the issue. We just ended sweeping it under the rug and didn't talk about it again, until this week. At dinner with his parents, the issue of an Indian wedding came up again. I politely told them no, that we wouldn't be doing that as my parents aren't traditional and that's the only reason I'd be having an Indian wedding. Alan pipes up and says its a shame because "you Indians do weddings way better than us Americans", nodding towards his mom and dad. I asked him right there what he meant, because I was also American. He said, "Well, you know what I mean. Like, you're Indian, and we're white."

It left a really sour taste in my mouth. And then I got to thinking about what happens after we get married and decide to have kids. Kids born here, in America. Are they going to have to deal with their dad continually reminding them that because they're a bit more brown that they're "not really" American? I know people will say some ignorant things because woohoo for racism, but I don't want the first instance of prejudice to come from their own father. I don't want my kids to feel the way I do when someone insists on slapping the Indian-American label on me because I look one way and talk/act another.

This is honestly making me rethink the wedding, but I don't know if I'm overreacting here or if my feelings are valid. I don't even really know how to approach my fiancee about this whole issue without coming off bitter or angry. I'm not saying that I don't know what my heritage is, but the fact is, I was raised here. My ties to India are purely because my parents happened to be born there. I don't want to have to staddle two worlds because I'm not even really part of one, and I don't want my kids to feel that way either.

Summary: Fiancee has some skewed view about who can be just American. It's making me rethink the wedding unless I can find a way to discuss this with him, but just the fact he can think this way in 2015 is upsetting to me."

My Take:

Christelyn Karazin is the co-author of Swirling: How to Date, Mate and Relate, Mixing Race, Culture and Creed. She also operates the popular blog, Beyond Black & White, and operate the first forum dedicated to black women interested and/or involved in interracial relationships.

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15 responses to "American Born Indian Woman: "My White Fiancee says I am not American""

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  1.   Khail0 says:
    Posted: 01 Mar 17

    I met plenty of confused Indian women. Many say, we're interested in white men. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have preferences. Putting your emotional judgement aside. Whites and Indians doesn't get along! But it's an exception incase of girls! The very common trust among everyone is west media is truth! But west media is white and denounces every other culture in every possible way. Think practically. You may fall for sweet words from anyone. But those are the words and logic to get your emotion and trust on him for his use! It's his play. You just have fallen prey. You may denounce my opinion. But this is true. And I've seen and been seeing it in US. I've spoke white men who dated indian girls. You wouldn't even want to hear how they talk about other race girls they dated! Believe it or not. US born Indian girls are just carried away by fancy media around and just toys of west pool..!

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    • hartejdhiman says:
      Posted: 28 Jul 17

      Did you even listen to the woman's response video? The European-American guy was being sensitive to Indian culture and traditions; he just wasn't saying it correctly. I'm an Indian guy. I LOVE Caucasian women. My wife is a white blonde, and I'm happier with her than I ever was with my ex-, who was South Asian.

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    • hartejdhiman says:
      Posted: 28 Jul 17

      And you wouldn't believe the things Indian guys have asked me when they found out my wife is Caucasian. Hate to say it, but we desis are a bit crude.

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  2.   2LegitToQuit says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 17

    Many desis from the UK have been there for generations, yet they still consider themselves Indian. You sound a little desperate in distancing yourself from your roots. Don't be confused, be proud. Confused people are weak.

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  3.   2LegitToQuit says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 17

    Have you thought of giving an Indian guy a chance who was born and raised in the United States? He probably wouldn't see you any different. I think in the long run this subtle thing may become a big issue.

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  4.   2LegitToQuit says:
    Posted: 05 Jan 17

    Technically you are not American, you're Indian American. If your kids ever decide to date an Indian, they will know the difference even though you may not. I'm Punjabi myself and my family has been here for three generations. I'm a really handsome guy have no problem with women, however it seems pretty odd you're offended when someone calls you Indian.

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    • hartejdhiman says:
      Posted: 28 Jul 17

      Technically, you pulled that out of your ass. Whites are European-American. If you want to divide them even further, they can be Anglo-Americans, French-Americans, Spanish-Americans, Italian-Americans, Ukrainian-Americans, etc... Same as any other group. Desis, whites, blacks, etc... We're all American. You missed the point of the video. The guy was actually being sensitive to Indian traditions.

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  5.   Nashvillredd says:
    Posted: 23 Oct 16

    My "OPINION", and everyone has one like a bum hole but.. his comment or point of "traditional" is a fair comment or remark "but" he should've known you and your family didn't practice your heritage or cultural traditions hence... he doesn't know you as person or who you are as an individual with that part said.. his Indian-American comment is "fair" (I don't know you personally only going letter) because of America's history. Born outside of Chicago in 69, reared from age 3 in Tennessee with that said, most Caucasian southerners , and uneducated entitled thinkers believe Europeans, whites, Caucasians are indigenous to North America / United States hence the treatment of Native Indians and Mexicans with that said, that's where his "whiteness" or his " lack" of Irish, German, or heritage comes from... regardless: YOU CORRECT hold off on the wedding day and wedding plans, that is a "SERIES of SERIOUS RED FLAGS" ultimately it is your choice but hold off until professional counseling with someone.

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  6.   Howyaluvdat says:
    Posted: 13 Oct 16

    I disagree. The fact that he thinks he's American and she isn't, is a bit concerning. Sounds like some deep seated racial issues. I know MANY people who think like that and it's a problem. When I hear stuff like this the first thing that pops into my mind is all the "Take back 'our' country," and "Make America Great Again," talk. ALL racist banter.

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  7.   Sweetguy2032 says:
    Posted: 25 Apr 16

    All Americans (other than Native Americans) are from somewhere else, that is what makes them American. I think it is very closed minded for him to feel she is not American as she is the epitome of what we consider to be an American. I say if this is a strong issue for her, she may want to think twice with moving forward. He sounds a bit ignorant...

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    • NYGriego says:
      Posted: 29 Apr 16

      I agree.

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    • hartejdhiman says:
      Posted: 28 Jul 17

      Actually, Native Americans are originally from Central Asia. They migrated to North America thousands of years before Europeans, but they still aren't "native," in the truest sense of the word.

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  8.   NYGriego says:
    Posted: 31 Mar 16

    I'm Greek American. My parents came here in the 70's and a few years later my sister and I were born. I can almost look at "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" as almost a home movie. My parents taught me the Greek customs at home and we ate Greek food mostly until my mother and I read enough English to use a cookbook. LOL.. I learned the American customs while going to school. I would come home every night and teach my parents English. (Trust me, I knew they weren't just "checking my homework" because of the questions they asked me but I didn't mind). Did I mention that my own school district tried to put me in Special Ed. because the ESL program didn't exist and they didn't know what to do with me so they told my parents to "hire an English tutor or move to a certain highly Greek populated area of NY at the time? Your argument (German American or not?) Reminded me of a History teacher I had in the 7th or 8th grade. The subject was assimilation and how all children who are born here are "instantly American and nothing else." Many classmates and I were indeed puzzled because some of them were of Hispanic origin and I was the sole Greek in the room (yet I was considered a "primo" aka cousin since Greek is similar). Long story short, I challenged him. "If a Chinese couple had baby with identical features as them in Africa, would a Chinese baby pop out or an African? He stumbled on his words and I said "Thanks for answering my question." He immediately changed topic. LOL... It's sad that your fiancee (but you wrote this in '15 so he could be your husband by now) hasn't seemed to identify much with his culture. It's as if he has been whitewashed of who his ancestors were (no pun intended). Perhaps he needs to find out who he is and then possibly see if he changes? But he seems stubborn, so I kind of doubt he ever will change. I feel your pain, and if by some chance you're still single now in 2016, hit me up. LOL... Oh yea, by the way. Mainū kujha dā pajābī bōlaṇa dā . I speak 3 other languages, too.

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